Rhythms of Grace

I heard a great message this morning from one of my favorite speakers (and one of my favorite elves).   He spoke of the story of Jesus healing the paralyzed man.  You know the guy – the one who was lowered through a hole in a roof by his friends.  The story took on new meaning this morning as he pointed toward the role of the friends.  They did whatever it took to get their friend to Jesus.

I’ve struggled a lot with this over the past few months – this idea of “bringing people to Jesus”.  I guess I’ve seen it done badly one too many times or something and it tainted the whole concept for me.  I’m not big on manipulation or agenda and that’s what it’s always felt like to me.  When I put myself in the other guy’s shoes, I think I’d be very confused, hurt and even ticked off by it.  Not necessarily the feelings that tend to lead people to the altar in droves.  But, in my attempt to distance myself from the not so good approaches, I think I’ve wandered aimlessly into taking no approach.  Given the Bible that I read and the Jesus I’ve come to know, I’m pretty sure this isn’t ok.

I really want to know the right way.  I think it involves a lot of time, a lot of trust and probably a willingness to maybe not see the final outcome.  That’s hard for a control freak like myself.  But as I re-read the stories of Jesus, He wasn’t pushy.  He told it like it was.  He loved and served the unloveable and the un-served.  He had dinner with people that didn’t go to church.  He just experienced life with people as His true self.  He didn’t have to push or manipulate anyone into following Him.  Those who did did so because they realized who He was and they WANTED to.

The friends in the story got their friend to Jesus because he wanted them to.  He already knew who Jesus was and the freedom that He offered.  There was no need for a sales pitch.

Is our role really to bring people to Jesus, or is it to bring Jesus to them?  If we do that effectively, is there even a need for the rest?  Won’t they at the very least start wanting to know Him?  So shouldn’t we be loving the unloveable and serving the un-served and rubbing shoulders with people just like He did?  Part of what made Jesus so revolutionary was His willingness to do the unexpected and shake things up a bit.  Gosh.  When was the last time I did that?

I love the challenge that Jesus has set before us and I love even more that He trusts us with it.  He knew that we would be representing Him.  I have failed miserably so many times, it’s beyond me why He keeps letting me try.  But He does.  So here I go…

I don’t normally take the time to read email forwards.  Someone sent me one last week though that I actually slowed down and read.  It was a devotion about starting the year out on a good note.  It had five or six main points to it, but the general idea was that if we want it to be a good year, then we need to make it one.  Good point – and point taken.

I had actually decided to do that even before I got the email.  After writing my last post a week ago today I felt strangely vindicated.   There is something about putting your innermost thoughts out there for all the world to see that is at the same time both freeing & really, really scary.  It was a good thing though.   I decided the next day would be different.

I went to work and was fully present for probably the first time since I started working there in July.  Pitiful – I know.  But it was funny…I realized that I actually kind of liked it.

I made the painful decision to finally quit serving in an area that has been powering the roller coaster ride that is my life – and took the first steps in that direction.

I began reading the Jesus books again, starting with Matthew – the obvious choice.  Immediately I saw something I’d never seen before.  That stuff you hear about God’s Word being living & active???  All true.

I prayed for people I don’t like very much, and guess what?  They aren’t so bad now…

I called two of my closest friends and asked them to join me in starting a small group.  We’ll be meeting tomorrow night for the first time.

I sat through two services at church this morning and didn’t feel the urge to cry even once.  In fact – I found myself smiling while I sang the lyric “hope that was lost now stands renewed.”

By no means have I figured out all of life’s mysteries.   But for over a year now I’ve been walking around in what seemed like a dark tunnel, with no light in sight.  On several occasions I was outside on gorgeous sunny days and still felt as though I was surrounded by clouds.  This week I can see a light.  It’s still tiny & I’m squinting and all, but I see it!  If you read my post last week & prayed for me – thank you.  If you read it and thought I was a whiny, emotional freak – I don’t care.  For whatever reason, something shifted.  I’m moving forward.  I’m starting over.  And that’s ok.

I’ve always been annoyed by negative people.  I try to look at the glass as being half full.  But if I’ve learned anything at all in the past year it’s this:  I really shouldn’t be so quick to judge others, because sooner or later I’ll be where they are myself.

So with that preface I’ll try to put 2008 to rest – not so much for the benefit of you the reader, but rather for mine.  This post is for me.

In 2008 I quit.  I quit a lot of things.  Most notable was my job of seven years.  A job in which I had wrapped up most of my identity, so with the loss of it began the crisis of that identity.  I quit listening to what others thought so much and I quit trying to follow rules that had never really made sense to me in the first place.   I quit caring as much and I quit feeling very much, because to do either was just too hard.  And in the latter part of ‘08 I even quit writing because I was convinced that I had nothing of any substance to record.

The lessons of the past year were difficult at best.  I learned how deeply important my friendships are to me.  And, sadly, I learned who my real friends really are.  Our parents always tell us that is one of the toughest life lessons to learn, and they are right.  But along with the sorrow of finding out who they aren’t comes the true appreciation for those who are.  I’m still learning this lesson, and my fear of the outcome is a big part of what keeps me from forging on in the way I probably should.

I learned that there needs to be a balance between serving others and taking care of yourself.  Doing either to the neglect of the other is unhealthy.  This is a tough, tough thing for me to accept and one of the reasons I continue to struggle.  I want that balance to be right – not tilted too much in either direction.  I’m not there yet.

I learned that sometimes it’s necessary to cry.  I’ve done it a lot lately.  Uncontrollably.  I don’t like it.  I don’t want people seeing me do it.  It catches me off guard every time.  But it cleanses the soul somehow, and Lord knows mine needs some cleansing.

I’m pretty sure my mid-life crisis began in 2008.  So much of the 38 years leading up to it that I had stuffed down into a safe place came roaring to the surface:  my guarded childhood, my mom’s death, the lack of relationship with my dad, my concept of religion, my relationship with Christ, my need to feel needed, my deep desire to make a difference, my inadequacies as a wife and mother, my lack of love for myself…and that’s kind of a lot all in one year.  At times it has seemed like more than I can bear, and I’m literally praying that 2009 will bring some much needed answers and clarity and peace.

I’m a little behind on my movie watching.  I saw Bucket List for the first time the other night.  There’s a line in it where Morgan Freeman says to Jack Nicholson something like this “The Egyptians believe that when we die and go to Heaven that we will be asked two things:  Did you experience joy in your life?  and Did you help someone else experience joy in their life?”  That line has stuck with me.  I want to do both.  I think it’s at the core of our purpose on this earth.  My Sunday School upbringing & Scripture itself tell me that the joy of the Lord is my strength – which makes it even harder to admit that I don’t feel much right now.  And without having it myself, I doubt I’m spreading much around.

I have not lost my sense of gratitude for what I do have.  My family, my friends, my home, a job.  I’m grateful for all of that.  I’m also extremely grateful for a Savior who lived a life on earth himself and died so that I wouldn’t have to feel this way.

I don’t have any resolutions for 2009.  I have no idea what it will bring.  I’m determined to work through this current season with God’s help and I’m convinced that eventually it will lead to brighter days.  At the same time, I’m bracing myself for more lessons & more struggles.  They are what shape us afterall.  I pray that soon, maybe by the end of this new year, I will truly grasp the truth that God began a good work in me and that it is HE who will complete it.  I pray that I will let go of whatever is keeping me from experiencing Him to the fullest and that when I finally do that the answers I’ve been searching for will not even matter anymore.