Rhythms of Grace

Ever hear one of those sermons that hits you so hard that it’s painful to listen to?  That’s how I spent my afternoon.  And I listened to not one, but two of them.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the importance I place on God.  Of course I say He’s important and all, but does my life show it?  Probably not as much as it should.  Ok – I know not as much as it should.  And I’ve been absolutely consumed for the past year and a half or so with whether or not I’m doing what I should be doing, blah, blah…

So sermon number one today was all about that.  It wasn’t a sermon really.  It was a two minute video.  But it preached.  Louie Giglio gets the credit.  He made the simple point that instead of asking God to place us in the center of His will that we should instead focus on keeping our eyes on Him.  I realized that my usual prayer is “God, please show me where you want me and put me there.” which sounds like a very righteous prayer until you hear the other unspoken half (that God hears) that says “…because I really don’t want to do the hard work of keeping my eyes on you all of the time.  I’d much rather you just pick me up and put me somewhere.  Yeah.  That’d be a lot easier.”

The second sermon was courtesy of Francis Chan.  He was speaking on the love of self and I realized that I love myself a little bit too much.  He described self-loving people as those who are so focused on their own problems that they can’t see anything else.  These people would much rather talk than listen.  And…that would be me too.

So my first impulse was to call a bunch of people and apologize for being so self-loving and stupid, until I realized that I should probably just apologize to God and move forward with this new found revelation as my guide.

What would happen if all of us stopped worrying so much about our own selves and spent more time looking into the eyes of God?  My guess is that we would start seeing the reflections of the things that He sees and we would be moved to do something.

Giglio sums it up beautifully at the end of his video.  He says, “How can you make the wrong choice if in your heart what you really want to do is honor God?”   I think I should concentrate a little less on my choices and a lot more on honoring Him for a change.

My son is a deep thinker.  Of course I should probably know that by now, but most of my interactions with him involve a request/a denial/followed by a second request or defense of first request/followed by explanation of denial coupled with threat of punishment/followed by…you get the picture.

But last night I got out our Bibles and told him to sit down because we were going to start reading through the book of James.  We read the first chapter and it led to an amazing conversation about conviction, the Holy Spirit, gut feelings (aka the Holy Spirit most of the time), and politics – which was the most fun for me.  I couldn’t have been prouder with his conclusion after our discussion.  Following a conversation about government assistance programs and generations knowing only that and the fact that we are supposed to be taking care of widows and orphans and all – he looked at me with total understanding and said “Well, it sounds to me like if the Church would have been doing it’s job a long time ago that none of that would have ever been needed.”  Apparently being a Social Democrat is genetic.  I agreed with him of course and encouraged him to remember that, because he is now the future of the Church.  I do believe that his generation will have the power to change things – to get them back on track – but it will be a long and difficult process.  They will have to be strong and convicted and determined – all qualities that I know he possesses.  So after our conversation I have a renewed sense of hope, along with a renewed sense of responsibility to continue encouraging him to think about the world around him in relation to the God who loves him.  What a privilege.

When I hit age 35 things shifted.  I’m not speaking metaphorically here – I’m talking physically shifted – to my middle.  What began as just a little pudge has over this past winter grown into a full blown roll all the way around my waistline and I can’t take it any longer.  There are only so many baby-doll tops a 38 year old woman should have in her closet.  So as undisciplined as I am, and as much as I despise exercise, I’ve decided to work it off.

For the past two weeks I’ve been walking/running (who am I kidding…walking mostly) and doing stomach crunches every single night.  (at least 10)  I’ve been eating a sensible, pretty much sugar free breakfast each morning, something sort of light for lunch and a decent dinner.  I’ve been avoiding junk and lots of sugar.  And tonight I remembered why I don’t usually do this.  Shin splints.  Ouch.  I always used to get them in high school.  I also got fluid on my knees every time I ran or walked very much.  So as I hobbled down the road with piercing pain in my legs a while ago I started dreaming up alternatives in my head:  Elliptical???  Honestly – I don’t even know what that is.  I just hear my very fit friends talk about it all the time.  I don’t have one and don’t have time to visit one, so strike one.  Swimming???  I can’t swim.  Strike two.  Lypo???  I hear it’s very expensive.  Strike three.

I plan to fight through the pain as long as I can.  I actually have noticed a difference in my belly.  In fact, I was feeling pretty good about myself until the 19 year old, blond, perfect size 1, 0% body fat intern started working in my office two days ago.  I know God has a sense of humor and all, but seriously, that’s just mean.

I’m sitting here on a rainy Wednesday morning just reflecting and thinking a bit.  It’s one of those rare times when I have the house to myself – quiet except for the snoring cat behind me and the occasional car on the highway outside.  I’m listening to some of my favorite music, just after some reading & a little talk with God that continues.  Soon I’ll be off to start the rest of my day which will include a tiny step back into my not so distant past.

And all of this has got me thinking.  After months and months of contemplation and trying to figure out – I’ve come to this conclusion:  Sometimes I just feel like I feel.  Profound, I know.  But it is my truth, and I think it’s everyone’s truth really.  Sometimes we just feel like we feel.  It doesn’t matter what wise and well-meaning friends tell us or what we read or watch or listen to.  As wise and beautiful as all of those things may be – they lack the fundamental perspective into my life that is that special thing shared with only God – who I’m convinced is a major influence on how I feel.  Just as I cannot tell the people closest to me how they should feel, neither should I think they can do that for me.  I have a tendency to rely more on my friends and music and art than I do on God Himself – a result of my own insecurity – always worried that I will misread Him.

But on this rainy, quiet morning I wonder if I have over complicated God.  Maybe what I’ve been begging Him to make so clear to me has been clear all along and I just didn’t want to hear it because of all the baggage it brings.

I can sit in a room with my best friends and know with certainty what they’ve told me.  And this morning I’ve sat with the closest friend of all – and I think it’s time I listen to Him too.