Rhythms of Grace

I’ve always been a little confused by the term “God fearing Christian”.  I suppose that it refers to someone who lives their life “by the Book” because they’re afraid of catching the wrath of God if they mess up.  I guess that works if trying to motivate an army of rule following Christian Soldiers to march Onward, but being scared of my Heavenly Father seems a little sad to me.  Tonight though, I think I may have gotten a handle on this term.

I was talking with a friend and admitted to her that lately I’ve been reluctant to open my Bible because I’m scared of what I’ll read.  That wasn’t just a casual statement either.  I truly have been afraid of what He might speak to me through His Word.  So it hit me.  I fear God.  I don’t fear Him in the sense of worrying that He’s going to punish me for doing something wrong.  I fear Him because I know His ways are not my ways, and I don’t like not getting my way.  I fear Him because I know that He sometimes tells me to do things I don’t want to do or points out things I shouldn’t have done.  I fear Him because surrender is scary.

I guess I am a God-fearing Christian now.    I hope I can overcome my fear enough to listen anyway.

I was talking to a good friend last night & made the comment that I feel like my soul is drying up.  I’ve been in  one of those seasons where God seems to be silent.  Things aren’t bad or anything, but the drudgery of everyday has begun to overtake the wonder of God in my life.  Even in the midst of such a season I know that balance is wrong.

After that conversation I got back to working on a little sermon that I was to present tonight.  I had decided a few days ago that I would talk about love, since I would be presenting this to inmates and I was sure they’d need to hear it.  How very wise of me, huh?  Of course, in the midst of my preparations God began to work on me instead, because it seems I am actually the one who needed to hear it first.

I read through 1 Corinthians 13 for probably the billionth time in my life, but something dawned on me as I read it.  God is Love.  Hmmm…. So I began to substitute His Name for the word love in the chapter and immediately my heart began to soften & I realized how incredibly blessed I am to serve and be loved by Love Himself.  When I got to the verse “Love (God) keeps no record of wrongs” I felt a lump in my throat.  I’ve been beating myself up pretty good lately for what I perceive to be failures, and I can’t seem to let the little stuff go.  But God keeps no record of wrongs.  Think about that.  No record.  Hard to wrap my brain around.  Totally contrary to what the world has taught me for 38+ years.

After a night of praying and thinking on what I had read (followed by some good sleep) I went to church this morning.  Following the sermon someone sang one of my favorite songs with the line “And I don’t know what to do with a Love like that, and I don’t know how to be a Love like that.”  God broke His silence this weekend, or maybe I just decided to start listening again.

I want to be a Love like that.  I don’t want to be self-seeking or easily angered.  I want to keep no record of wrongs.  I want to be patient and kind.  I think it’s so cool that God works in circles.  We have to accept His love in order to fully realize how to give it.  But sometimes we have to give it before we can accept it.

I sat in a cold, sterile jail tonight reading the Love Chapter to a room full of women with their eyes closed and heads bowed.  I substituted God’s name for the word Love and I repeated over & over again “God keeps no record of wrongs.”  There was complete silence except for a few quiet sobs.  We sang a few songs after the teaching time and I was blown away as the women sang “how GREAT is our God!” at the top of their lungs – some with hands in the air and tears streaming.   Love.  God.  Beautiful.

I think my balance has been restored.  I am once again in awe of this amazing God and the unfathomable love He has for us.  How can I possibly view the gift of life as drudgery?  It’s an adventure of loving and being loved.